Casey wants me to meet her at Java Hut after work. Straight from work, actually. I agree; not because I want to, but because I don't have a choice. We don't go out for coffee because I don't like coffee. We don't go out straight from work because I want to shower and change after work. I consider ending my day early to get this over with and decide it's not a good idea. She wants to talk to me for a reason. In public. I have the next three hours to think about what she's thinking about and why she wants to do this. Does she know?
That's it. That has to be it. She must know. But how? I've been careful. Eliza's been careful. It would crush her. She's a sweet little thing, my Casey. She can't know. I can't let her know. Where did I go wrong?
I let the time pass slowly, keeping my mind as empty as possible. There's no way Casey could figure this out. I thought everything through. Foolproof.
But she's no fool.
I find Casey just after six, already sitting at a table near the back of the store. Somewhere private, but not private enough where if we get loud we wouldn't be noticed. She's organizing the empty Splenda packets next to her. Horizontal, then vertical, then horizontal, then vertical. Then she makes them all aligned vertically. The tops of the packets are making a sort of fortress around her design. The four walls. I feel the symbolism and know she's got me figured out. I'm surrounded. She knows. I order a coffee. I pour in some cream. I don't particularly enjoy coffee, but if I'm sitting in a coffee shop, I have to keep up the appearance. I'm here for coffee and small talk. Nothing deep. No one knows about Eliza.
I make my way over to the table Casey's sitting at and take a seat across from her. I take a sip of my coffee before looking up at her.
"I thought you don't drink coffee?"
She knows I don't like coffee. I'm trying to piece together how she found out about Eliza, and it doesn't make sense. Nothing adds up. There's no way she could have known. I don't know if she's trying to guilt trip me into talking, or if she just wants to make me uncomfortable, but she keeps asking about my coffee. Either way, it's working. She knows I'm nervous.
"Do you know why I asked you to come here?"
Did she look at the credit card statements? She probably saw how often I'd been getting gas in Melrose. There are other reasons to be in Melrose though, right? I can't get caught with a rookie mistake like that, right?
"No Casey. I don't know why you asked me to come here."
"You have to have an idea."
"Then why would you ask me that?"
I can't believe she figured me out. I don't know if three months is a long time or a short time to get away with this, but what happens now? Was it my laundry? I know Eliza has never left anything behind, but I've left a few things over there. Maybe she was looking for that striped button-up she got me. She was doing the laundry and couldn't find it anywhere, so she did some investigating. This is so ridiculous. She wants to talk to me, but she isn't saying anything. I'm sitting here sipping on coffee I don't even like because Casey is afraid to talk to me at home. She tells me that she wants us to be honest. I can't believe it.
I know better than to admit anything, so I play dumb. Or play cute. I tell her I can be honest. I tell her coffee isn't as bad as I've always made it out to be. Maybe she'll forget why she brought up honesty.
She does.
Maybe.
She tells me we should stop seeing each other.
I don't know what to say. Is she going to ask about Eliza? Is that why? She thinks I'm happy. I'm starting to think that maybe she doesn't know. Maybe that does make me happy, a little.
"Casey. Is that why you asked me to come here?"
She says no. She didn't ask me to come here so she could leave me. She asked me to come here to talk to me? She wanted honesty. No. No, she started packing my stuff. She asked me to come to a coffee shop because home was already in the process of not being home anymore. If I see my clothes in piles, or suitcases, or whatever she did with them, I'd already know. She's leaving me. I want to ask her about Eliza. I stumble over the words.
"Is it because of someone, that... did you find..."
"No. It isn't because of someone, Justin. It's just me."
Just her. She didn't find out about Eliza. It isn't because of someone else. It's her. It's not me. It's her.
"I'll get my stuff."
"Please take everything now."
"I'll get my stuff and I'll go."
I head out and once I'm sure Casey can no longer see me, I call up Eliza.
"Hey Eliza? Yeah. I'm gonna be coming by a little earlier tonight. I'll see you soon."
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Coffee Shop: Her
"I thought you don't drink coffee?"
"I don't."
"But you're drinking it right now."
"It's an illusion."
"But that's coffee. And you're drinking it."
"Just because we're at a coffee shop doesn't mean I'm drinking coffee."
"Okay."
"Okay."
We sit in silence for a minute and I watch him take a sip of his drink. He's holding the mug with both hands, both fingerless gloves still on. Scarf tied tight. He looks like he's ready to go. He looks nervous. I tear open another packet of Splenda and add it to my coffee. I mix it without thinking. The only sound I hear is the spoon clinking against the sides of my mug and I look down to see my hands shaking. Maybe I'm the nervous one.
"Justin."
He looks up. "Casey" he says.
I close my eyes. A slow blink. I don't know what I want to say, so I say his name again. Justin. Justin Justin Justin. It feels so safe. It feels like it belongs there. I sip on my coffee, hoping I'll lose his stare when I look back up.
But I don't. It's still there. He's still there.
"Do you know why I asked you to come here?"
He looks at me like I'm stupid.
"No Casey. I don't know why you asked me to come here."
"You have to have an idea."
"Then why would you ask me that?"
He's beginning to notice that I'm nervous. More nervous than him, even.
"I want to know that you know."
"That I know that you asked me to come to Java Hut because you wanted to talk." He paused. "You asked me to come to Java Hut to talk, knowing that I don't drink coffee."
"But you're drinking coffee."
"You asked me to come to Java Hut, knowing that I don't drink coffee."
Oh. Right. I don't know whether to nod or shrug. I do both. Awkwardly. I'm not sure if either movement was significant enough for him to even notice. He lifts his coffee mug up to his mouth and takes a sip without taking his eyes off of me. I wait until it's back on the table before speaking, but he keeps it in his hands.
"Justin" I say again. I smile a little bit. I'm trying to wear his name out.
"Casey."
"Justin." I pause, knowing we can't keep going back and forth like this. "I just wanted to talk to you."
"But you couldn't wait to do it at home?"
"No."
There's a slight change in his facial expression, and I want nothing more than to be able to read his mind. I need to know what hes thinking to know how to continue.
"We need to talk."
"I know."
"You know?"
"That's why you asked me to come here, instead of coming home."
He's almost right. Is that obvious? It has to be obvious.
"I think we need to be honest with each other."
"I can be honest."
I take a second to think about his word choice. Can be. Is that implying that he's not being honest? That he hasn't been honest? I want to look in his eyes, but I'm afraid of what I'll see. If he hasn't been honest, I'm not sure I want to know. I look at my coffee.
"Coffee... it isn't as bad as I've always made it out to be."
I can't help but smirk. He's doing the same.
"That's your honest?" I ask, knowing it's a silly question. He's trying to change my mind. Justin. Justin's trying to change my mind.
"That's my honest."
Of course I can trust him.
"Justin?"
"Yeah?"
"I think we should stop seeing each other."
He finally puts his coffee back on the table, only to lift it back up and take a long, slow sip. He doesn't look back at me.
"Okay."
"Okay?"
I'm confused.
"Okay." He takes another sip. "We can stop seeing each other."
"That's it, though?"
"What do you mean that's it? You already made up your mind. What am I supposed to say?"
"You're not supposed to be happy."
"I'm not happy."
He won't look me in the eye. I lift my mug, but my hands are visibly shaking now. I put it back down before I get to take a sip.
"I'm not happy either."
As I say it, I know it doesn't mean anything. We sit in silence.
"Is that why you asked me to come here?"
"No."
"Why here then?"
"I started packing your stuff."
"You started packing my stuff."
"If we went home, you'd know."
"If we went to a coffee shop and I hate coffee..."
He didn't continue his thought. Only his coffee.
"It's hard for me too, you know."
It took that to get eye contact back, but that's all I got.
"Justin..."
"Is it because of someone, that... did you find..."
He couldn't finish his sentence.
"No." I took a deep breath. "It isn't because of someone, Justin. It's just me."
"It's not you, it's me."
"No no it's not like that. It's just me."
"And not me."
"A little you. Mostly me."
"It's not you entirely, it's mostly me."
"Justin."
"I understand."
I ran out of words. I also ran out of coffee.
"I'll get my stuff."
"Please take everything now."
"I'll get my stuff and I'll go."
He stood up. I let him go. I pushed my coffee mug next to his. Both empty. I let the tears trickle down my face and I sat alone.
"I don't."
"But you're drinking it right now."
"It's an illusion."
"But that's coffee. And you're drinking it."
"Just because we're at a coffee shop doesn't mean I'm drinking coffee."
"Okay."
"Okay."
We sit in silence for a minute and I watch him take a sip of his drink. He's holding the mug with both hands, both fingerless gloves still on. Scarf tied tight. He looks like he's ready to go. He looks nervous. I tear open another packet of Splenda and add it to my coffee. I mix it without thinking. The only sound I hear is the spoon clinking against the sides of my mug and I look down to see my hands shaking. Maybe I'm the nervous one.
"Justin."
He looks up. "Casey" he says.
I close my eyes. A slow blink. I don't know what I want to say, so I say his name again. Justin. Justin Justin Justin. It feels so safe. It feels like it belongs there. I sip on my coffee, hoping I'll lose his stare when I look back up.
But I don't. It's still there. He's still there.
"Do you know why I asked you to come here?"
He looks at me like I'm stupid.
"No Casey. I don't know why you asked me to come here."
"You have to have an idea."
"Then why would you ask me that?"
He's beginning to notice that I'm nervous. More nervous than him, even.
"I want to know that you know."
"That I know that you asked me to come to Java Hut because you wanted to talk." He paused. "You asked me to come to Java Hut to talk, knowing that I don't drink coffee."
"But you're drinking coffee."
"You asked me to come to Java Hut, knowing that I don't drink coffee."
Oh. Right. I don't know whether to nod or shrug. I do both. Awkwardly. I'm not sure if either movement was significant enough for him to even notice. He lifts his coffee mug up to his mouth and takes a sip without taking his eyes off of me. I wait until it's back on the table before speaking, but he keeps it in his hands.
"Justin" I say again. I smile a little bit. I'm trying to wear his name out.
"Casey."
"Justin." I pause, knowing we can't keep going back and forth like this. "I just wanted to talk to you."
"But you couldn't wait to do it at home?"
"No."
There's a slight change in his facial expression, and I want nothing more than to be able to read his mind. I need to know what hes thinking to know how to continue.
"We need to talk."
"I know."
"You know?"
"That's why you asked me to come here, instead of coming home."
He's almost right. Is that obvious? It has to be obvious.
"I think we need to be honest with each other."
"I can be honest."
I take a second to think about his word choice. Can be. Is that implying that he's not being honest? That he hasn't been honest? I want to look in his eyes, but I'm afraid of what I'll see. If he hasn't been honest, I'm not sure I want to know. I look at my coffee.
"Coffee... it isn't as bad as I've always made it out to be."
I can't help but smirk. He's doing the same.
"That's your honest?" I ask, knowing it's a silly question. He's trying to change my mind. Justin. Justin's trying to change my mind.
"That's my honest."
Of course I can trust him.
"Justin?"
"Yeah?"
"I think we should stop seeing each other."
He finally puts his coffee back on the table, only to lift it back up and take a long, slow sip. He doesn't look back at me.
"Okay."
"Okay?"
I'm confused.
"Okay." He takes another sip. "We can stop seeing each other."
"That's it, though?"
"What do you mean that's it? You already made up your mind. What am I supposed to say?"
"You're not supposed to be happy."
"I'm not happy."
He won't look me in the eye. I lift my mug, but my hands are visibly shaking now. I put it back down before I get to take a sip.
"I'm not happy either."
As I say it, I know it doesn't mean anything. We sit in silence.
"Is that why you asked me to come here?"
"No."
"Why here then?"
"I started packing your stuff."
"You started packing my stuff."
"If we went home, you'd know."
"If we went to a coffee shop and I hate coffee..."
He didn't continue his thought. Only his coffee.
"It's hard for me too, you know."
It took that to get eye contact back, but that's all I got.
"Justin..."
"Is it because of someone, that... did you find..."
He couldn't finish his sentence.
"No." I took a deep breath. "It isn't because of someone, Justin. It's just me."
"It's not you, it's me."
"No no it's not like that. It's just me."
"And not me."
"A little you. Mostly me."
"It's not you entirely, it's mostly me."
"Justin."
"I understand."
I ran out of words. I also ran out of coffee.
"I'll get my stuff."
"Please take everything now."
"I'll get my stuff and I'll go."
He stood up. I let him go. I pushed my coffee mug next to his. Both empty. I let the tears trickle down my face and I sat alone.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Happy Beginnings, part 2
Phone calls are made. It's almost a nightly thing now - almost.
Monday I ask Ashley if she wants to come into Boston with me on Friday and maybe we can meet up with people there? Or maybe this weekend? But this weekend doesn't work and Friday should so that will be the plan.
Before getting the chance to suggest anything, I get a message on Myspace on Tuesday from Shawn, saying him and some friends are probably going into Boston Saturday and I should come. I guess we both had the same idea. I reply saying I'll try and he says okay and we'll surely talk before then.
Phone call that night. So Boston. So. It's not definite so we shouldn't count on it. And the next thing I know, I'm being told to come to his town and I'll try, I'll try. When should I come? "When's the next time you're not working?" Tomorrow. "Then come tomorrow" and I would if I could but I can't, I don't think. And what if he starts raising money? Something along the lines of "donate money for a beautiful girl to get home" and I didn't comment on that but I remembered it. The word "beautiful" will make any girl smile. I tell him I'll try to come on Friday and perhaps I could tag along with Lauren on the way there.
Skip to the 6th. Work. Brooke asks if I found anyone to come with me to Boston yet. I didn't. "I haven't." She says she wants me to go. "Yeah, me too" and no one can come.
Phone call that night and he's not going anymore. "Well, that's disappointing" and it is. He asks if I found rides for Friday, and I didn't, not yet at least, and we'll have to figure something else out. Some other time, I suppose.
Friday the 7th. Wake up at 8 to Lauren's phone vibrating. "Lauren. Phone. Your mom I'm guessing" and she's only half away while answering and I try to go back to sleep but can't. I shower and get ready for the day and take my time, until 11:30 when Lauren's mom arrives and I can't bum a ride.
12:02 and I decide I'll go into Boston for the day. It's 12:07 and I ask my mom to drive me to the train station. It leaves at 12:12. She has no problem with it until I mention I'm going in alone. I realize I can't make the train now anyway, get disappointed, and go downstairs. Thinking. Planning.
1:30ish and I pick up the phone. He just woke up. "I got a question. What are you doing today?" "Nothing, yet." "Okay. Well. It's nice out. I got paid yesterday. Want me to come on down?" "That would be fabulous." "So do you want me to?" "If you want to, that would be fabulous." "Okay. Well, because of all the trains and stuff, I wouldn't get there until quarter of 5." "Are you serious?" "I'd miss the next earliest train by 10 minutes or so." I'm told to call when I get to North Station.
I get on the train, pay $10.50 for a roundtrip - which just covers from here to Boston and home, and spend the entire train ride wondering if it's worth it. Get off at Back Bay and have an hour before I have to be at North Station. Stop at H&M and buy a beater for $6, solely because it was $6, I'm sure. Skip ahead to about 5pm. I do not like North Station.
Arrive. Hug. Hello. Where to go? and we don't know. Just start walking. Stop by a few stores, solely because they're there. Continue down where ever we are and we see these girls in a car. They call him over. He waves. "No come over here!" So we walk over to the car.
"Who's this, your girlfriend?" "Yes" "Aww, how cute! I'm Anna, what's your name?" "Hey, I'm Anna too" and the typical where are you from and how did you meet (middle of nowhere, a party) and I got here by train and they start yelling at him for letting me take the train alone and that's not being a very good boyfriend. They're all high and eating McDonald's and the girl in the back doesn't want anymore, offers whoever, and Anna says to "give it to his girlfriend because she's skinny." A half eaten cheeseburger wasn't really appealing. We walked off. Ended up at a playground.
We're wicked cool and play with the army guys I have in my purse. What to do next? Who knows. "We could lay in the field and look at the clouds, even though there aren't really any clouds" and I say okay because that sounds like a cute idea.
I'm searching through my purse for paper, I think, and I say I've got a camera in here. I said I'd take a picture and then he could take it. We took a few pictures of each other.
And at some point, we're talking about something and I tell him "that's not being a very good boyfriend." "Oh, so now I'm your boyfriend?" "Well, according to you you are" and that was just easier than talking to those girls. Which, somehow turned into something else, which led me to ask "so, what, we're dating now?" which was answered along the lines of "if you want to" and something about long distance relationships and I'm not too sure what's going on.
And he wouldn't know how long it's been since I've kissed a boy.
We leave. Don't know what else to do. Decide to stop and get an ice cream. Continue to walk around some more and do whatever until 9:15 when we go to wait at the train station.
This guy is telling me to hurry. We hurry down. Hug and kiss goodbye. Get to North Station at 10:14. Train leaves from Back Bay at 10:40. I'm impatiently waiting for any green line subway to arrive. Finally one shows up at 10:27. There are many more stops than I remember there being and don't get to Copley until 10:35.
Copley is usually a 7-8 minute walk from Back Bay. My feet are sore and blistered and I can't be bothered to miss this train. I get there and check the time to find out it's only 10:37. I'm unsure how I did this, but don't bother trying to figure it out. Get downstairs at 10:38. The train arrives at 10:41. It's a minute late.
And just like that, it began.
Monday I ask Ashley if she wants to come into Boston with me on Friday and maybe we can meet up with people there? Or maybe this weekend? But this weekend doesn't work and Friday should so that will be the plan.
Before getting the chance to suggest anything, I get a message on Myspace on Tuesday from Shawn, saying him and some friends are probably going into Boston Saturday and I should come. I guess we both had the same idea. I reply saying I'll try and he says okay and we'll surely talk before then.
Phone call that night. So Boston. So. It's not definite so we shouldn't count on it. And the next thing I know, I'm being told to come to his town and I'll try, I'll try. When should I come? "When's the next time you're not working?" Tomorrow. "Then come tomorrow" and I would if I could but I can't, I don't think. And what if he starts raising money? Something along the lines of "donate money for a beautiful girl to get home" and I didn't comment on that but I remembered it. The word "beautiful" will make any girl smile. I tell him I'll try to come on Friday and perhaps I could tag along with Lauren on the way there.
Skip to the 6th. Work. Brooke asks if I found anyone to come with me to Boston yet. I didn't. "I haven't." She says she wants me to go. "Yeah, me too" and no one can come.
Phone call that night and he's not going anymore. "Well, that's disappointing" and it is. He asks if I found rides for Friday, and I didn't, not yet at least, and we'll have to figure something else out. Some other time, I suppose.
Friday the 7th. Wake up at 8 to Lauren's phone vibrating. "Lauren. Phone. Your mom I'm guessing" and she's only half away while answering and I try to go back to sleep but can't. I shower and get ready for the day and take my time, until 11:30 when Lauren's mom arrives and I can't bum a ride.
12:02 and I decide I'll go into Boston for the day. It's 12:07 and I ask my mom to drive me to the train station. It leaves at 12:12. She has no problem with it until I mention I'm going in alone. I realize I can't make the train now anyway, get disappointed, and go downstairs. Thinking. Planning.
1:30ish and I pick up the phone. He just woke up. "I got a question. What are you doing today?" "Nothing, yet." "Okay. Well. It's nice out. I got paid yesterday. Want me to come on down?" "That would be fabulous." "So do you want me to?" "If you want to, that would be fabulous." "Okay. Well, because of all the trains and stuff, I wouldn't get there until quarter of 5." "Are you serious?" "I'd miss the next earliest train by 10 minutes or so." I'm told to call when I get to North Station.
I get on the train, pay $10.50 for a roundtrip - which just covers from here to Boston and home, and spend the entire train ride wondering if it's worth it. Get off at Back Bay and have an hour before I have to be at North Station. Stop at H&M and buy a beater for $6, solely because it was $6, I'm sure. Skip ahead to about 5pm. I do not like North Station.
Arrive. Hug. Hello. Where to go? and we don't know. Just start walking. Stop by a few stores, solely because they're there. Continue down where ever we are and we see these girls in a car. They call him over. He waves. "No come over here!" So we walk over to the car.
"Who's this, your girlfriend?" "Yes" "Aww, how cute! I'm Anna, what's your name?" "Hey, I'm Anna too" and the typical where are you from and how did you meet (middle of nowhere, a party) and I got here by train and they start yelling at him for letting me take the train alone and that's not being a very good boyfriend. They're all high and eating McDonald's and the girl in the back doesn't want anymore, offers whoever, and Anna says to "give it to his girlfriend because she's skinny." A half eaten cheeseburger wasn't really appealing. We walked off. Ended up at a playground.
We're wicked cool and play with the army guys I have in my purse. What to do next? Who knows. "We could lay in the field and look at the clouds, even though there aren't really any clouds" and I say okay because that sounds like a cute idea.
I'm searching through my purse for paper, I think, and I say I've got a camera in here. I said I'd take a picture and then he could take it. We took a few pictures of each other.
And at some point, we're talking about something and I tell him "that's not being a very good boyfriend." "Oh, so now I'm your boyfriend?" "Well, according to you you are" and that was just easier than talking to those girls. Which, somehow turned into something else, which led me to ask "so, what, we're dating now?" which was answered along the lines of "if you want to" and something about long distance relationships and I'm not too sure what's going on.
And he wouldn't know how long it's been since I've kissed a boy.
We leave. Don't know what else to do. Decide to stop and get an ice cream. Continue to walk around some more and do whatever until 9:15 when we go to wait at the train station.
This guy is telling me to hurry. We hurry down. Hug and kiss goodbye. Get to North Station at 10:14. Train leaves from Back Bay at 10:40. I'm impatiently waiting for any green line subway to arrive. Finally one shows up at 10:27. There are many more stops than I remember there being and don't get to Copley until 10:35.
Copley is usually a 7-8 minute walk from Back Bay. My feet are sore and blistered and I can't be bothered to miss this train. I get there and check the time to find out it's only 10:37. I'm unsure how I did this, but don't bother trying to figure it out. Get downstairs at 10:38. The train arrives at 10:41. It's a minute late.
And just like that, it began.
Happy Beginnings, part 1
You can either start happy or end happy, but you can't have it both ways. Starting happy is great. Starting happy is easy. No one wants to deny themselves happiness. It never stays easy.
We begin with the party. Megan has work at 5, Dustin's party starts at 6. I come over early because hey, it's something to do. It doesn't take long for me to realize that I won't know anybody. Around 6, the first bunch of guys show up. 4 or 5. 3 or 4 cute ones. As more people arrive, some girls, I chat with them and ask who the guys are because the girls seemed more friendly. They're asses. They're elitists. Don't bother trying to talk to them. And it's okay because I wasn't planning on it.
Fast forward and it's now say, 7? 8? I don't know. Megan's not there yet. I'm outside, contemplating whether I should go in away from the bugs or stay out to talk to the one person that wasn't Dustin that I had met previously. It's somewhat dark. This boy tells me I should go swimming with him. I say I don't have a bathing suit. That's okay, I don't either. I say sorry, it's too buggy and I go inside. I had no idea who it was, anyway.
Now we're at 10ish. Megan's here. She says it looks like a Myspace party. It did. She asked if I had been talking to people. I say yeah, most of them at least a few words, except for the elite ones. She says hi to the elite ones. She says she never sees them anymore. I laugh to myself. She didn't know who I was talking to, or about. We sit down and she talks to this boy Shawn and says this is my friend Anna. He says he's mad at me because I didn't go in the pool with him. I laugh again.
They keep talking. We all do. Shawn throws a Hershey's kiss wrapper at me. I make a post with my fingers. We're not good at this game. He says open your mouth. "Why?" and he wants to throw jellybeans in my mouth. I don't open it. "Do it or he's gonna keep staring at you." So we stare. I laugh. Open my mouth. He misses. Every time. More staring. More laughing. I give in too easily. Eventually, we all get up.
Sitting on the couch now, watching strangers play Guitar Hero. Dustin walks by. "So, talking to Shawn Boyle, huh?" I smile. "Yeah, I guess so." Keep watching Guitar Hero. These people aren't that good and I've heard this Iron Maiden song at least 16 times tonight.
Shawn's at the table. He said something to Megan, probably to both of us, but I wasn't paying attention. "You want us to come back over there?" He nods. "Okay Shawn." And not by choice, but also not against my will, sort of as if it's routine, I get up and go back to where I was. He's staring. I hate eye contact. I'm staring back. At some point, Shawn mentioned staying the night at this girl Erika's house and him sharing a bed with Ryan. Ryan is cute. Somehow, the idea of me and Megan joining them is brought up. I probably said it. I don't remember. At some point, he asks if we're seriously coming over or if he's getting excited for nothing. I smiled. "I'm down." I'm smiling and laughing too much. Eventually, Megan says we're gonna head out now so we say bye.
We get back to her house. Tired. Megan is more tired. She falls asleep. I take her laptop. Myspace. Browse around. Find people I met. Message the ones I spoke at least 2 words to that weren't just "hi I'm Anna" "it's about an hour away." I tell them this. Elite Ryan - read and not replied. No add. I find Shawn. Last login: June 21. It's technically 3 days later and I realize he must not be as Myspace obsessed as everyone else I know.
The 25th comes around. I tell Megan she should call Dustin and we can hang out with people. I tell her I will keep bothering her about this until she does. I get bored and decide texting people is a good idea. I tell Dustin that "I want to hang out with your cute friends again lolz" and there's never a reply. We're going to hang out with Megan's boyfriend tonight.
The 26th comes around. Myspace. Reply from Shawn? "hi how are you. when are you going back. we should hang out." I find this funny, for one reason or another. I tell him we should hang out and "i think i'm leaving sometime tomorrow, and we're going to some show tonight to see some shitty bands hah" but feel free to text or call and I gave him my number. I say I'm sure we could figure something out. I'm planning on leaving at 9am the next morning. It took him 3 days to get message one. Maybe that's the funny part.
I tell Megan that I think it's funny that I was bothering her yesterday to call to hang out with these kids and today I get a message from him saying we should hang out. She doesn't think it's funny. She says she thought they didn't like her. I laugh anyway and unintentionally make her feel bad about going to the show tonight. It's okay, really. I talk to Lauren via text in the car. "Mom says you can stay!" and now I'm staying until Wednesday, and it would be later if I didn't have work, I'm sure. I'm also out of clothes that I haven't worn yet.
The 27th. I get to Lauren's. Go online. Shawn replied. "Will do." I tell him I'm staying later. He says he's free almost any time but he has to go. I realize he never gave me a number or anything. I'm unsure about how reliable this kid is.
It's 10:30 at night. Still nothing. I'm going home tomorrow. 11. People are leaving. 11:08. Text message. Hi it's Shawn Boyle from Dustin's. Blah blah. Before long, it's 12:06 and "i hope im not keeping u up" and no. No, it's fine. He likes my hair. His is a mess. I say it works, because he's cute. 12:34am. "why thank u your cute 2 but u should have come swimming with me thats why i asked" and I can't decide if I find that creepy or not. I do. I don't care, I guess. 1:30am and he says he'll call me tomorrow. Goodnight. He suggested swimming. At some point during the night, I asked Lauren if she had Less Than Zero. She said she thinks she lost it. I found it. Claimed it to be my lucky night.
Wake up at 5ish. Realize I went to bed two hours ago and can't settle for living off of a nap. Back to sleep. 7ish. 9ish. 10ish. 10:15ish. 10:25ish. 11ish. Decide to get up. It's raining outside. Sooner rather than later, new text message. I say I'll still go swimming. Whatever.
1:30pm. Get to his house. He goes to change. I feel awkward going swimming in the rain. It feels nice. The water. The hot tub too. It feels nice.
He picks me up and throws me in the pool, multiple times. At some points, we're "napping" on each other. At some points, he's tickling me. At some points, we're dancing. At some points, we're in the cold part and it's freezing and we decide holding each other really tightly might help. It doesn't. We're still shaking. I keep asking if he wants to go back "in the hot" or get out and he says whatever and I say maybe it's a good idea but neither of us move. And neither of us know what to talk about so the silence is filled by splashing or kicking or just staring and flicking. My goal for the day is to live. His is to make sure I don't die. Lauren's is to make sure he doesn't let me die. We decided to stay vague.
Yesterday, he told me he's free until 6 when he's going to the carnival with some friends. When we finally get out, it's 6:12. I tell him this. Apologize. He says it doesn't matter. We go back in. Ryan calls. Where are you. And Shawn says he'll be there in a bit. I apologize for keeping him. He says they'll get over it and he's been hanging out with those people all day for the past 12 days, straight. I say something along the lines of "and you took a break for me?" and he nods and smiles, not necessarily in that order. We're waiting for Lauren's mom. We decide to wait downstairs. He realizes it's 6:30, 6:45 and he should be there and I tell him to go. He gives me a big hug and says he didn't realize how short I was. I said yeah, I am. We said bye.
Eventually, I'm home. I get a call from a different Ryan. "I'm home, Ryan." He's drunk. He wants to hang out. But I'm home. I'm bored already, or so I say. I realize I have no idea when I'll see Shawn again. Or talk to him. I pretend I don't care and decide I should just worry about going back to work. Why does it matter, I've only known him for less than a week.
12:01am. Text message. "i'm sorry i had 2 leave today." I tell him it's okay. He says he felt bad. I say I understand and how was your night. It wasn't that fun - just sat around, you? And I say yeah, same here. I'm home now. He tells me it's too bad I live so far away. I agree, say it's a pain, and he says what can you do, it's not like you can just move or something ..as if I didn't know this. He asks if I had a good time earlier. I did. He tells me he's almost out of minutes and to call his house phone. I tell him I have nothing to say. He says he'll talk. Then says he's out of minutes "so call or we cant talk anymore" and it's almost 1am and I won't call because I'd feel bad calling so late.
Phone vibrates. He's calling. He asks what the last thing I sent was because he didn't get it. I can't remember, I say. And I wonder if he means the one where I said "call me if you want" which makes me wonder if he called because I told him to or if he called because I wouldn't call him. He's out of minutes. It's almost 1. I tell him I have to get up in 8 hours. He tells me he'll stay on the phone with me that entire time so I'm exhausted at work. It's 1:45. He says his mom's home. "From where?" I ask. He says he doesn't know. I hear her ask who he's on the phone with. He says it's none of her business. Wrong answer, I'm sure. I can't make out her words but she sounds mad and I hear him say "the girl that was over earlier" and then I hear him say "I guess I have to go now. I'll talk to you later" and I say bye and we hang up.
Now it's two hours later. I should have been in bed three hours ago. I realize I have no idea when I'll talk to him again and I realize I can't text him at all to see what's up and I hate calling house phones, and this combination of things makes me realize I'm caring more about this than I'd wish to. And I'm caring more about this than I thought I would. Thankfully, this is more curiosity than anything.
We begin with the party. Megan has work at 5, Dustin's party starts at 6. I come over early because hey, it's something to do. It doesn't take long for me to realize that I won't know anybody. Around 6, the first bunch of guys show up. 4 or 5. 3 or 4 cute ones. As more people arrive, some girls, I chat with them and ask who the guys are because the girls seemed more friendly. They're asses. They're elitists. Don't bother trying to talk to them. And it's okay because I wasn't planning on it.
Fast forward and it's now say, 7? 8? I don't know. Megan's not there yet. I'm outside, contemplating whether I should go in away from the bugs or stay out to talk to the one person that wasn't Dustin that I had met previously. It's somewhat dark. This boy tells me I should go swimming with him. I say I don't have a bathing suit. That's okay, I don't either. I say sorry, it's too buggy and I go inside. I had no idea who it was, anyway.
Now we're at 10ish. Megan's here. She says it looks like a Myspace party. It did. She asked if I had been talking to people. I say yeah, most of them at least a few words, except for the elite ones. She says hi to the elite ones. She says she never sees them anymore. I laugh to myself. She didn't know who I was talking to, or about. We sit down and she talks to this boy Shawn and says this is my friend Anna. He says he's mad at me because I didn't go in the pool with him. I laugh again.
They keep talking. We all do. Shawn throws a Hershey's kiss wrapper at me. I make a post with my fingers. We're not good at this game. He says open your mouth. "Why?" and he wants to throw jellybeans in my mouth. I don't open it. "Do it or he's gonna keep staring at you." So we stare. I laugh. Open my mouth. He misses. Every time. More staring. More laughing. I give in too easily. Eventually, we all get up.
Sitting on the couch now, watching strangers play Guitar Hero. Dustin walks by. "So, talking to Shawn Boyle, huh?" I smile. "Yeah, I guess so." Keep watching Guitar Hero. These people aren't that good and I've heard this Iron Maiden song at least 16 times tonight.
Shawn's at the table. He said something to Megan, probably to both of us, but I wasn't paying attention. "You want us to come back over there?" He nods. "Okay Shawn." And not by choice, but also not against my will, sort of as if it's routine, I get up and go back to where I was. He's staring. I hate eye contact. I'm staring back. At some point, Shawn mentioned staying the night at this girl Erika's house and him sharing a bed with Ryan. Ryan is cute. Somehow, the idea of me and Megan joining them is brought up. I probably said it. I don't remember. At some point, he asks if we're seriously coming over or if he's getting excited for nothing. I smiled. "I'm down." I'm smiling and laughing too much. Eventually, Megan says we're gonna head out now so we say bye.
We get back to her house. Tired. Megan is more tired. She falls asleep. I take her laptop. Myspace. Browse around. Find people I met. Message the ones I spoke at least 2 words to that weren't just "hi I'm Anna" "it's about an hour away." I tell them this. Elite Ryan - read and not replied. No add. I find Shawn. Last login: June 21. It's technically 3 days later and I realize he must not be as Myspace obsessed as everyone else I know.
The 25th comes around. I tell Megan she should call Dustin and we can hang out with people. I tell her I will keep bothering her about this until she does. I get bored and decide texting people is a good idea. I tell Dustin that "I want to hang out with your cute friends again lolz" and there's never a reply. We're going to hang out with Megan's boyfriend tonight.
The 26th comes around. Myspace. Reply from Shawn? "hi how are you. when are you going back. we should hang out." I find this funny, for one reason or another. I tell him we should hang out and "i think i'm leaving sometime tomorrow, and we're going to some show tonight to see some shitty bands hah" but feel free to text or call and I gave him my number. I say I'm sure we could figure something out. I'm planning on leaving at 9am the next morning. It took him 3 days to get message one. Maybe that's the funny part.
I tell Megan that I think it's funny that I was bothering her yesterday to call to hang out with these kids and today I get a message from him saying we should hang out. She doesn't think it's funny. She says she thought they didn't like her. I laugh anyway and unintentionally make her feel bad about going to the show tonight. It's okay, really. I talk to Lauren via text in the car. "Mom says you can stay!" and now I'm staying until Wednesday, and it would be later if I didn't have work, I'm sure. I'm also out of clothes that I haven't worn yet.
The 27th. I get to Lauren's. Go online. Shawn replied. "Will do." I tell him I'm staying later. He says he's free almost any time but he has to go. I realize he never gave me a number or anything. I'm unsure about how reliable this kid is.
It's 10:30 at night. Still nothing. I'm going home tomorrow. 11. People are leaving. 11:08. Text message. Hi it's Shawn Boyle from Dustin's. Blah blah. Before long, it's 12:06 and "i hope im not keeping u up" and no. No, it's fine. He likes my hair. His is a mess. I say it works, because he's cute. 12:34am. "why thank u your cute 2 but u should have come swimming with me thats why i asked" and I can't decide if I find that creepy or not. I do. I don't care, I guess. 1:30am and he says he'll call me tomorrow. Goodnight. He suggested swimming. At some point during the night, I asked Lauren if she had Less Than Zero. She said she thinks she lost it. I found it. Claimed it to be my lucky night.
Wake up at 5ish. Realize I went to bed two hours ago and can't settle for living off of a nap. Back to sleep. 7ish. 9ish. 10ish. 10:15ish. 10:25ish. 11ish. Decide to get up. It's raining outside. Sooner rather than later, new text message. I say I'll still go swimming. Whatever.
1:30pm. Get to his house. He goes to change. I feel awkward going swimming in the rain. It feels nice. The water. The hot tub too. It feels nice.
He picks me up and throws me in the pool, multiple times. At some points, we're "napping" on each other. At some points, he's tickling me. At some points, we're dancing. At some points, we're in the cold part and it's freezing and we decide holding each other really tightly might help. It doesn't. We're still shaking. I keep asking if he wants to go back "in the hot" or get out and he says whatever and I say maybe it's a good idea but neither of us move. And neither of us know what to talk about so the silence is filled by splashing or kicking or just staring and flicking. My goal for the day is to live. His is to make sure I don't die. Lauren's is to make sure he doesn't let me die. We decided to stay vague.
Yesterday, he told me he's free until 6 when he's going to the carnival with some friends. When we finally get out, it's 6:12. I tell him this. Apologize. He says it doesn't matter. We go back in. Ryan calls. Where are you. And Shawn says he'll be there in a bit. I apologize for keeping him. He says they'll get over it and he's been hanging out with those people all day for the past 12 days, straight. I say something along the lines of "and you took a break for me?" and he nods and smiles, not necessarily in that order. We're waiting for Lauren's mom. We decide to wait downstairs. He realizes it's 6:30, 6:45 and he should be there and I tell him to go. He gives me a big hug and says he didn't realize how short I was. I said yeah, I am. We said bye.
Eventually, I'm home. I get a call from a different Ryan. "I'm home, Ryan." He's drunk. He wants to hang out. But I'm home. I'm bored already, or so I say. I realize I have no idea when I'll see Shawn again. Or talk to him. I pretend I don't care and decide I should just worry about going back to work. Why does it matter, I've only known him for less than a week.
12:01am. Text message. "i'm sorry i had 2 leave today." I tell him it's okay. He says he felt bad. I say I understand and how was your night. It wasn't that fun - just sat around, you? And I say yeah, same here. I'm home now. He tells me it's too bad I live so far away. I agree, say it's a pain, and he says what can you do, it's not like you can just move or something ..as if I didn't know this. He asks if I had a good time earlier. I did. He tells me he's almost out of minutes and to call his house phone. I tell him I have nothing to say. He says he'll talk. Then says he's out of minutes "so call or we cant talk anymore" and it's almost 1am and I won't call because I'd feel bad calling so late.
Phone vibrates. He's calling. He asks what the last thing I sent was because he didn't get it. I can't remember, I say. And I wonder if he means the one where I said "call me if you want" which makes me wonder if he called because I told him to or if he called because I wouldn't call him. He's out of minutes. It's almost 1. I tell him I have to get up in 8 hours. He tells me he'll stay on the phone with me that entire time so I'm exhausted at work. It's 1:45. He says his mom's home. "From where?" I ask. He says he doesn't know. I hear her ask who he's on the phone with. He says it's none of her business. Wrong answer, I'm sure. I can't make out her words but she sounds mad and I hear him say "the girl that was over earlier" and then I hear him say "I guess I have to go now. I'll talk to you later" and I say bye and we hang up.
Now it's two hours later. I should have been in bed three hours ago. I realize I have no idea when I'll talk to him again and I realize I can't text him at all to see what's up and I hate calling house phones, and this combination of things makes me realize I'm caring more about this than I'd wish to. And I'm caring more about this than I thought I would. Thankfully, this is more curiosity than anything.
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