Coffee Shop: Her

"I thought you don't drink coffee?"
"I don't."
"But you're drinking it right now."
"It's an illusion."
"But that's coffee. And you're drinking it."
"Just because we're at a coffee shop doesn't mean I'm drinking coffee."
"Okay."
"Okay."

We sit in silence for a minute and I watch him take a sip of his drink. He's holding the mug with both hands, both fingerless gloves still on. Scarf tied tight. He looks like he's ready to go. He looks nervous. I tear open another packet of Splenda and add it to my coffee. I mix it without thinking. The only sound I hear is the spoon clinking against the sides of my mug and I look down to see my hands shaking. Maybe I'm the nervous one.

"Justin."
He looks up. "Casey" he says.
I close my eyes. A slow blink. I don't know what I want to say, so I say his name again. Justin. Justin Justin Justin. It feels so safe. It feels like it belongs there. I sip on my coffee, hoping I'll lose his stare when I look back up.

But I don't. It's still there. He's still there.

"Do you know why I asked you to come here?"
He looks at me like I'm stupid.
"No Casey. I don't know why you asked me to come here."
"You have to have an idea."
"Then why would you ask me that?"
He's beginning to notice that I'm nervous. More nervous than him, even.
"I want to know that you know."
"That I know that you asked me to come to Java Hut because you wanted to talk." He paused. "You asked me to come to Java Hut to talk, knowing that I don't drink coffee."
"But you're drinking coffee."
"You asked me to come to Java Hut, knowing that I don't drink coffee."

Oh. Right. I don't know whether to nod or shrug. I do both. Awkwardly. I'm not sure if either movement was significant enough for him to even notice. He lifts his coffee mug up to his mouth and takes a sip without taking his eyes off of me. I wait until it's back on the table before speaking, but he keeps it in his hands.
"Justin" I say again. I smile a little bit. I'm trying to wear his name out.
"Casey."
"Justin." I pause, knowing we can't keep going back and forth like this. "I just wanted to talk to you."
"But you couldn't wait to do it at home?"
"No."

There's a slight change in his facial expression, and I want nothing more than to be able to read his mind. I need to know what hes thinking to know how to continue.
"We need to talk."
"I know."
"You know?"
"That's why you asked me to come here, instead of coming home."
He's almost right. Is that obvious? It has to be obvious.
"I think we need to be honest with each other."
"I can be honest."
I take a second to think about his word choice. Can be. Is that implying that he's not being honest? That he hasn't been honest? I want to look in his eyes, but I'm afraid of what I'll see. If he hasn't been honest, I'm not sure I want to know. I look at my coffee.
"Coffee... it isn't as bad as I've always made it out to be."

I can't help but smirk. He's doing the same.
"That's your honest?" I ask, knowing it's a silly question. He's trying to change my mind. Justin. Justin's trying to change my mind.
"That's my honest."

Of course I can trust him.
"Justin?"
"Yeah?"
"I think we should stop seeing each other."

He finally puts his coffee back on the table, only to lift it back up and take a long, slow sip. He doesn't look back at me.
"Okay."
"Okay?"
I'm confused.
"Okay." He takes another sip. "We can stop seeing each other."
"That's it, though?"
"What do you mean that's it? You already made up your mind. What am I supposed to say?"
"You're not supposed to be happy."
"I'm not happy."

He won't look me in the eye. I lift my mug, but my hands are visibly shaking now. I put it back down before I get to take a sip.
"I'm not happy either."
As I say it, I know it doesn't mean anything. We sit in silence.

"Is that why you asked me to come here?"
"No."
"Why here then?"
"I started packing your stuff."
"You started packing my stuff."
"If we went home, you'd know."
"If we went to a coffee shop and I hate coffee..."

He didn't continue his thought. Only his coffee.

"It's hard for me too, you know."
It took that to get eye contact back, but that's all I got.

"Justin..."

"Is it because of someone, that... did you find..."
He couldn't finish his sentence.

"No." I took a deep breath. "It isn't because of someone, Justin. It's just me."
"It's not you, it's me."
"No no it's not like that. It's just me."
"And not me."
"A little you. Mostly me."
"It's not you entirely, it's mostly me."
"Justin."
"I understand."

I ran out of words. I also ran out of coffee.

"I'll get my stuff."
"Please take everything now."
"I'll get my stuff and I'll go."

He stood up. I let him go. I pushed my coffee mug next to his. Both empty. I let the tears trickle down my face and I sat alone.