People have this funny way of not knowing how to admit to defeat. Especially when it comes to love, relationships... anything, any time they feel vulnerable, they need to be in charge. People have this way of lying to themselves.
One of my least favorite arguments is the girls, or even sometimes guys, who rely on that stupidly inaccurate quote: "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Really? Do people believe that? People think that they go through some little bullshit and the guy isn't interested anymore - that's when they were at their worst? Listen, that's not the worst. When it's 9am and you're late waking up for work, hungover as fuck from the night before, no time to shower or "get cute," you're crabby and miserable - you think that's your worst? When a guy sees you without your make up on, that's when you're at your worst? You're PMSing and not making any sense, arguing about anything and everything you can? So what?
You don't get to your worst until after he's already gone. That's when you're at the worst. Of fucking course he can't handle you at your worst - and he doesn't have to, doesn't want to. That's why he's leaving. You don't get to your worst until he tells you that it's over, and everything you thought you had, everything you invested, it all becomes meaningless. Your worst is that moment when you two are done and his mind is set. It's not a "I think we just need some time apart, but we can still sleep together and act like nothing has changed" type of thing. It's when you try to suggest that. When you're stupid and desperate. You lose it. You lost it. You go crazy. You probably were already over-analyzing everything, and were likely irrationally jealous about things like porn and him going to hang out with just the guys once a week... but now? That looks like nothing. EVERYTHING out of his mouth has secondary meanings. Third meanings. Fourth meanings. You did something wrong. Hell, he can even give you a reason of why it's not working out - but you won't believe it. There was something else. Something bigger. "That was okay before, that can't be the problem now."
It might not be the worst moment of your life, but between you two - that's the worst he will ever see you. You're going to be angry. You're going to be hurt. You're going to feel betrayed. You'll want to be mad, but then feel bad for doing it because somewhere in that fucked up mind of yours, you still think that maybe this will work. If you keep trying hard enough, you'll find something that will work. You'll tell him that you're thinking very straight, you're very calm, you're completely relaxed and you know exactly what you're saying. All of these things are lies. You don't know that, though. You can't see that. You really do think that you know best. You selfish piece of shit. Don't you love him? Don't you see that he's not happy anymore? You are at the worst that he will ever see you. You'll have your friends and whoever else around, and sure, they'll see you bad, but they won't really know. You can't understand the full extent until that's you on the other side, being pleaded to about how "I can be better" "Just give me one more try." "Let me do this one last thing."
Then there's a point when you accept it. You give up. But you don't really give up. This is when you get angry. You're still at your worst. You might try talking to his friends. You might try talking to girls he knows. Who knows what you might do, but lucky for you, this is the end of the worst. You feel horrible and want him to feel the same way. There are a select few who have been on that other side though, and know just how bad it feels to be pleaded to like that. It might cross your mind that maybe you should stay, that maybe things can and will finally change, or whatever the problem is. But you know. However, it's so easy to forget. It's so easy to forget being on that other side. It's hard to be rational at your worst. Near impossible, even. So you get mad, do something stupid, and then you try to make yourself feel better. Instead of just admitting that this is the end, that maybe you were both wrong, maybe whatever, you play pretend. You act like it was your doing. You tell the world that he couldn't handle you, and therefore he doesn't deserve you.
What a fucking joke.
On the other side, there are the people who stay sad when rational, instead of angry. And you know what quote they use? The "you don't know what you have until it's gone." That's true for some situations - you were an unappreciative asshole who didn't see how good he was, or how good she was, or how much you needed and relied on this person, whatever. Sometimes people try to use this as a claim - a more passive aggressive way of saying "you don't deserve me." A little "hey, I was great, you couldn't see that and you left me."
Here's the thing. When he left you, he knew exactly what he was doing. You might try to tell him that he'll regret this. That he made a bad decision. Listen, if he thinks he made a bad decision, he already knows. Any time - ANY - time you ever make a poor decision, you know. Not in the "I didn't appreciate you and I know that but still chose not to appreciate you" kind of way. That's not a decision. That's an accident. You don't mean to do that. But when you CHOOSE to make a bad decision... you know! You'll think, or even say, "this is a bad idea." If you think about every bad decision you've ever made, you'll remember. You know that's right. You always know that you're being stupid. Maybe not making a mistake, because you want to do this, but you know that somewhere, there's something telling you you shouldn't do this. You can justify it all you want. That doesn't change anything. When you're doing something stupid, you know you're doing something stupid.
Usually if he actually decides to leave, it's two things. One, you're right - he's stupid and making a bad decision. Bravo. He knows, or at least will realize and remember, his stupidity. More likely though, he knows it's what he has to do. People have a very hard time understanding the difference between a bad decision and a hard decision. If something is hard, something is making it hard. You have to overcome something, do some sort of big difficult thing, to complete it. Sometimes you know that leaving means breaking your own heart, and what could be harder than that? So you stay because you think it's stupid to break your own heart. But sometimes it's what you need to do. It's the hard decision, and it will hurt - it will hurt both of you - but it's the best choice. When he leaves, don't tell him he doesn't know what he had. Of course he knew. He knew and he still chose to go. Doesn't that make you feel worse? It should. So don't say it.
Or keep lying to yourself. Keep telling yourself that you were perfect, that he'll never meet anybody as good as you. That he's making a mistake. All of these things - he knows. Instead, make it constructive. You live, you learn, you move forward. You don't have to blame yourself. But blaming him? Trying to make it look like this was all your choice?
Just remember. He's seen your worst. You haven't seen his.
No comments:
Post a Comment